Hello American Voter,
They say time flies when you’re having fun, and those four years sure went by real fast. Between the golfing and the legislating, the bailing out and the spending, suddenly you stop and wonder where the time went. I was just dancing the night away in sunny Rio, after committing American forces to a war that one of my advisers thought was a good idea, when suddenly it hit me and I stopped the samba and said. “Hey Michelle, isn’t it time for another one of those elections.”
I like elections myself. And if you’re anything like me, you like them too. The campaigns are like this huge party that goes on for a whole year. And then when it’s over, they throw you an even bigger party. There’s lots of free food, you fly around on a jet plane to all the important states and everyone wants to have their picture taken with you. Some of my advisers are telling me that I might lose this one, but I don’t believe that for a second. I mean how in the world could I lose?
Sure some of you are sore about the economy. I don’t know why. All my top economic advisers, including that GE guy, say that we’re in full recovery. Hell, I’ve been spending money like crazy. If there was anything wrong with the economy, wouldn’t the money just run out? The problem is some of you just ain’t educated enough. Now I go on campaign stops to some podunk little town in some state you couldn’t normally pay me to visit and see all these dumb idiots standing around and asking where the jobs are. “Where are the jobs at, my man?” The jobs are in government. The canneries ain’t coming back. The factories aren’t returning from China. If you want to work, you work for the government. Like me.
Here’s how you get started. You need to go to the right schools. It helps if your grandmother was a bank president and your father an international diplomat. But if you don’t got that, it’s okay too. See what really counts is a story. You gotta have a story about finding yourself. I wrote a bunch of admissions essays about that and a bunch of books about it. It didn’t just get me into Columbia and Harvard, it got me into the White House. Now it’s 2012 and I’m gonna be making a whole bunch of speeches and most of those speeches are gonna about my growth and development. How I want to use what I learned to help all you dopes who don’t got it going on like I do. Same thing I wrote up for Columbia.
Hell of an admissions essay isn’t it? It’s gonna get me into the White House over and over again till I get bored and go do something else. Some of my advisers tell me I should go run the UN, but have you seen the house the President of the UN lives in? That’s right. He ain’t got no house. No fleet of jets either. And he can’t just bomb any country cause he wants to. Maybe I’ll stick around here till say 2024. Then I’ll turn over all the sovereignty to the UN if they make me the President of the World.
So what was I saying? Yeah life is just like college. And most of those dopes asking for jobs, they never even went. Instead they spent their lives working with their hands. Who the hell wants to do that for a living? Even worse some of them were in the army. Like my man Kerry said, you gotta to college or you get stuck in Iraq. And he oughta know, he was in one of those army things. Now I’m stuck in Iraq, but I’m not ‘stuck’ in Iraq like some twenty something from Nebraska or Iowa. I’m ‘Stuck in Iraq’ in Rio. They’re stuck in Iraq in Basra. You get me?
I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t go to college. It’s great. You party all the time, smoke pot and BS your professors. If they ever call you on it, just tell them that as a Half-African who grew up in Indonesia you have a different cultural perspective that doesn’t fit into their Euro-centric worldview. That’s an automatic A right there. They love that stuff. Just stick to the humanities. Avoid those uptight science and math guys. You can’t convince em that 2 + 2 = 5 if you really want it to be. That’s what I’ve got Paul Krugman for.
MUST finish this hilarious piece by Daniel Greenfield HERE